


I can't sleep

by TerresDeBrume



Series: Rumor Has It (We're all selfish morons) [6]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-15
Updated: 2012-10-15
Packaged: 2017-11-16 09:44:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerresDeBrume/pseuds/TerresDeBrume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I can't sleep when he's not resting here with me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't sleep

**December 23, 2012**

Bruce,

 

I wish you were here.

I hate it so much. Everywhere I go I feel like I can almost remember it. I’ve been drenched in cold sweat from the moment I set foot in the airport, and I’m nearly expecting Mr. Thanos to come in and grab my hand again, just like he did back then… I keep catching myself looking around to see if Thrÿm -see, I don’t call him dad anymore, progress!- is going to turn up in the street.

I haven’t had that much trouble sleeping since I tried to give up the drugs the first time around.

 

I’ve tried telling Thor about it, but how can I do that? ‘Oh, by the way honey, it’s not really a drunk driver who killed my mother, and I didn’t get the scar in the car accident either’? I don’t think that would go over well. And even if I could tell him, there’s his parents and his brother to consider -I don’t want them to know. I don’t want them to pity me. You and I both had enough of that.

But I wish you were here. I wish I had someone who understands what it’s like to be surprised by ghosts at every turn. I wish you were here so I had someone I could go to for comfort hug and not have well-meaning questions to answer, because you already know everything there is to know.

 

I woke up wishing for a fix yesterday. Hadn’t happened in five years. I need to get out of here as soon as I can but— you should see Thor. He looks so happy, and his family apparently still like me even though it’s been nearly a week, and I— Bruce, I wish you could come to my Mother’s grave with me.

And I know that, for a lot of things, Tony would have been my first choice here but for this… for this it’s you I needed.

 

I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. They’re all gone for groceries shopping, I said I didn’t feel up to going out, and it’s honestly not even a lie. Sleipnir is sleeping not a meter from me and I just— I’m sorry. I realize I’m rambling, but then I’m not exactly at my best right now -nothing illicit, rest assured. Just an insane amount of sleep I need to catch up on.

I’m just so very, very, very tired of lying to everyone around me.

 

I’m tired of pretending I’m alright when I’m not. I’m tired of pretending I don’t remember anything of this country when I have endless nights of tossing and sweating around until I woke up screaming under my belt. I’m tired of feeling like Byleistr and Helblindy will never be my brothers again. I’m tired of hearing Odin wondering if Sleipnir is going to go into lawschool ‘like grandpa’ and having to dodge the bullet every time he asks what my father does. Because hey, Farbauti has a good job and all, but he’s not who I’d call my father, biology notwhistanding, and the only example worse than mine would be Thrÿm’s.

Most of all though, I am so tired of pretending I don’t miss Tony.

 

I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s unfair to everyone around me, but damnit if I haven’t tried! I tried Bruce, I swear I did! But no matter how much effort I put into it, there’s never a way I can stop dying inside every time I remember this moron thinks I’m going to hate him if he tells me he loves me. And I, being the stubborn prick that I am, I’ve decided I wouldn’t engage the discussion, ever. That it should be him doing the work… seriously, can you hear me snort?

And even then, supposing I told him I know about it, what would it change? He’d look at me with those eyes that make the world look like it’s never going to be beautiful again, and tell me that he can’t. That he can’t do that to me, that he can’t do that to Thor, what do I know? He’s made his mind, and I’m married. I have a kid.

 

I can’t go throw it all to the seven winds for his smile.

 

Ah—I started whining again. I’m sorry. I meant to ask about you, you know. I just let myself get distracted.

You told me last time about a girl named Betty, didn’t you? That’s the third time in as many letters, Bruce. You do realize I am anticipating a happy announcement at some point. She sounds like a sweet person. Sweet has always been good for you. It is probably good for me too, but then I never was the best judge for that.

All I know is, you sound a lot happier when you write about her, and happy suits you well. Despite my constant whining about my life, I do care about your well being, you know. I simply have strange ways to show it.

 

I miss you.

 

Loki.

 

P.S: The truth is, I would drop everything in the blink of an eye if he would only ask.


End file.
